Every year, beginning when I turned one year old, and my sister, then four, chastised our mother for not wanting to make a birthday for me, our mother made a big thing out of each of our birthdays, especially knowing that our father had to make his own birthday cake at age seven. She was wonderful at organizing and decorating for birthdays as well as all the holidays; Thanksgiving, Passover, Chanukkah, Washington's birthday, Valentine's Day. I was thinking that if she had been watching some of today's TV shows, she would have gone into business as a party organizer!
Mom passed away in 1992. I was 32 years old. Part of me was glad she had passed, because our relationship had been somewhat stormy, due to her critical nature and explosive temper. As a daughter, I was glad she was no longer in pain. Without her negativity around, my Feldenkrais teacher and I noticed that my healing was zipping along at a pace that was almost shocking. But as the holidays came and went, it began to dawn on me that the birthdays and holidays were no longer something I looked forward to.
My dad passed in 2007, and as we were very close, it was my most dreaded day when along with my cousin, I made the decision to turn off the life support, knowing that he did not want to be kept alive if he were not conscious. The past three birthdays and holiday seasons, have been times of depression for me. Daddy was a sweet man, kind to a fault, and I miss him terribly. I may have his spirit around me always, but the security, the wisdom, the quirky sense of humor, are no longer there for me to lean against in times of sadness and stress. Nobody ever prepares you for celebrating birthdays and holidays without dad or mom. Nobody tells you that the week before your birthday, or even your parent's birthdays, you will feel unassailably sad even though you don't know why. That's why it helps me to have an assistant who also lost her mom at a young age. She reminds me of that, and truly understands what it's like.
Tamar Mag Raine
1 comment:
Mag, I totally understand your pain - I was relieved when my mother died because she had become critical and verbally abusive; my dad and I were closer. When my dad died in 1991, I felt I lost my biggest supporter. Now it's been almost 19 years and I still miss him terribly. I don't miss my mother's criticism but I do miss her on family milestones and holidays because she made those so special before she got ill.
Kat (from CP list)
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