Defying Depression

Defying Depression

There are things showing signs of my 55 years, my hands unable to do what I once worked so hard to do. The right thumb joint is so loose I cannot open a plastic bag unless it has the tab that you pull. The index finger now is very crooked and bent, as are the other fingers. The other thing I miss, is being able to pick my nose.

In my torso, my collarbone was the first to move, my doctor says he’s not worried about it, that it has just moved forward… I beg to differ -- Now I have no way to avoid choking; I used to be able to place my fingers on my throat and either push the troublesome bite up or down, so that really scares me. My spine curves my body to the left, making it painful to walk for very long.

Then there are the filthy politicos, selfish rich people and big corporations, who are raping the country and our economy. At the moment I find I have to avoid reading or thinking too much about it because if I did, I sink to deep despair. How is it possible for all these mega corporations to get tax breaks, and in fact to receive our hard earned taxes on top of their profits!???!! When will Americans wake up again and realize that run-away capitalism is bringing this country to its knees??! When will we wake up and revolt against these god-forsaken corporations who whine about taxes, and ship jobs overseas where they exploit the very young, workers who should be in school? They threaten to leave the state, and yet they ship jobs overseas anyway?! Where is morality? Where the hell is justice? Where is sanity? 

Still, within myself, I refuse to let these things take my joy.  The simple things can bring bits of happiness.  The things like warm spring sunshine, brightly colored flowers, the sight of new young leaves on the trees, playing with my dog, having my cats rub their heads on my head. Eating yummy food and treats helps when I’m feeling insecure. And this empty feeling I’ve felt for decades still raises its ugly head. In college I told my therapist I felt like I was behind a cold glass wall, separated from everybody else, and I would drink a whole mug full of wine at night to try to warm myself from the loneliness.

Then I got involved with an eastern meditation ashram, and suddenly a lot of the emotional pain was gone. However all the meditation and chanting and seva makes one feel as high as being on drugs, so when you leave that environment due to seeing the mind games and abuses of power within the organization, it is exactly like going into withdrawal. You never feel high anymore. You never feel overwhelming love gushing from your heart anymore. You learn to live in “blah” and are grateful to feel the bits of joy that you can glean from life’s pleasures. If you hear yourself thinking; “Is this all there is to my life”? You tell yourself, “YES, there is no such thing as a realized being, Nirvana only exists in books, and anybody who claims to be “realized” is a fake, only after your money.”  So I grab my bits of joy, and infuse my art with bright colors and scenes from nature.

The longer I live, the more I know that every person I know or meet, and those I will never meet, all have our demons.  I took the est forum, and later the Landmark forum, and that was a good way for me to learn that so-called “normal” “able-bodied” people carry their own sorrows, their own difficulties. As Buddha said, pain is part of life. And I continue to see that nobody goes unscathed. We all seek joy in many different ways. Some people take extreme risks, others seek it through drugs and alcohol, some in dancing, others in art.

For many of us – we take medication to help us be able to get out of bed and function in our daily lives. After many years on medication, I decided to stop taking it. I wanted to find out how much it actually helped, and how I felt not taking it. I did this over three months, because I am aware that with certain medications you can die from withdrawal reactions. I found that yes, I felt things more deeply, but that crying a little over a sad movie, or being overwhelmed when watching the news from Japan, or anywhere else a natural disaster has hurt people and animals, is ok. It has not buried me, and in fact it makes me feel more connected to people, but if it ever got to the point, where I cannot deal, then that would be cause to revisit my decision. I hate feeling blah, I think part of it comes from having fibromyalgia, because there is a lot of mental fuzziness for me. I continue to try my best to live as fully as I can.

Tamar Mag Raine

April 8, 2011